I wish you could order shots online.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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