I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
