i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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