If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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