just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
