the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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