I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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