My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
