he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
