i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
