He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
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Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
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We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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