I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
