I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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