What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
