if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
