thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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