i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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