Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Too much gin, very little bucket
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
