spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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