you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
