I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
