I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
