god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
