she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
