she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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