My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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