he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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