I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
