Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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