Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?