i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask