I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.