Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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