i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
