I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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