Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
