Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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