I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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