Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
