There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
