I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
