i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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