We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
