where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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