onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
