Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
