you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
