Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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