Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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