Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
