You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
