Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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