I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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