i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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