yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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