I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
