I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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