I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
