Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
