We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
