You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
