What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
