At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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