How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
