I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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