i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
