It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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