You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
